Ms. J. (photo, art)

Boys' NIght: Andrew, Ms. J., Jeff

Ms. J. has car trouble. Jeff, February 2007

Hart competes in Glenview's February Freeze (photos)

Jeff takes 2nd place in 700 meter race (photo)

Please don't feed the animals

It is absolutely as a last resort that I am instituting a new household policy: no gifts, prizes, incentives can come home with Hart and Jeff.

I don't want to be ungracious . . . so many of you have been so generous with the boys. I am trying alleviate some of the sturm and drang at our house.

Some of the trouble is the boys' unhealthly competition with each other, so there's crying, teasing and retaliation over goodies and toys that come into the house. In some cases, they just aren't able to care for these precious items and it becoms a disappointment.

(I spent hours trying to reglue Hart's ceramic Columbian bus back together. Some of you will remember the sad fate of Jeff's toy limousine.)

I hope I can count on your cooperation. My message to the boys is that any items they earn at school must stay there. Apologies in advance to Yu-Gi-Oh and car lovers everywhere, the newly-traded items have to stay at your house!

Sincerely yours,
I.A.T.M.M.I.T.W. *



*I am the meanest mom in the world.

A Big Brawl!

Jeff was working on his spelling homework, words with either /au/ or /aw/. Suddenly he dissolved in a fit of giggles.

"What's so funny?" I peeked over his shoulder at the list of words: awful, because, braun, draw, launch . . . brawl.

"It’s not what you think. That’s a fight with many people, not underwear."

Homework Hell

When it comes to homework, most parents of special needs kids will confess to a frequent desire to pop their kids upside the head. If nothing else, it might knock some new neural pathways into place.

"The silent E makes the vowel say its name," I say to Hart frequently. Blank stare. "Long A says 'ay," long E says 'ee,' long O says 'oh'." No flicker of recognition.

It was an insight when a friend told me recently of supervising her daughter's math homework. "This is 3rd grade math, you know," she said to her 7th grader.

"Really? It's so hard, I though it was high school math."

Caution: Driver Singing

H: Mom, don't sing. You can't sing that high. This song is for a young girl.

Alas, too true.

Cups Redux

I have lived with Hart and Jeff a long time, and I grew up with my mother, so I am very tolerant of weird behavior. What I cannot tolerate is anyone who tries to convince me that aberrant behavior is not aberrant. To put it bluntly, don't piss on my head, then tell me it's raining.

I have gotten much less patient over the years. I have talked to many adults who deal with special needs kids and they all have horror stories about parents who forget to mention a few important tidbits about their children before sending them to summer camp, Boy Scouts, kindergarten. When the inevitable phone call comes, the parents either sheepishly confess that they thought Joey could try a summer without his medication, or become defensive and angry.

Frankly, I would love to try that. The constant due diligence I do on the boys' behalf is so tiresome. I used to case out any new place in advance taking Hart or Jeff there. I'd love to just put them on the bus like everyone else, wave goodbye, and hope for the best. But I know better. I am all for inclusion and diversity, but I practice full disclosure first.

So I have been ruminating about how to smooth things over with my mom and step-father after the imbroglio at their house. In the interest of full disclosure, I wish she had just said, “We have this freaky thing with our dishwasher. So just bear with me. If you want something to drink while you are here, bring your own glass or put your name on a Dixie cup.” What I resent is that earnest look to imply, “You use your dishwasher to clean dirty dishes after you use them. Now that’s really crazy!”

LegoManiac (photo)

Jeff and his amphibious submarine design

(Not) Roeper and Ebert

Dreamgirls
H: There was too much inappropriate stuff.
L: I guess. I thought it would be like CHICAGO, singing and dancing. We enjoyed that, and that movie had inappropriate things . . . dancing girls and guns.
H: Too much, and too much swearing. I had to do this. (Demonstrates folding his toy elephant's ears down.)
L: Good to know. We'll see CHARLOTTE'S WEB next.
H: OK

YOU LOOK JUST FINE! Mailbag

Dear YLJF,

I think I need a new swimsuit. Any advice on selecting one?

___________________________________ Mermaid

Dear Mer,

Do you really need a new one? Only if a) the fabric of yours is so thin as to reveal what's underneath, b) there is no elastic in the leg openings anymore or c) the seat is fuzzy enough to give you the appearance of a Playboy Bunny tail.

If your current suit qualifies for replacement, here is a simple formula for choosing a bathing suit: the older you are the more skin you must cover. For example, a 25-year-old can wear a bikini, a 35-year-old a two-piece with a sliver of midriff showing, a 45-year-old requires a one-piece. Once you are a dues-paying member of AARP, keep the oversized t-shirt on when not underwater.

Cups

My brother thinks I have finally seen the light: I cannot visit my mother and stay at her house. He is right. I regret that I did not figure this out before voices were raised and unkind words exchanged. My mother is charmingly eccentric, and “frugal“ doesn't even begin to describe her. We love her, but as my brother says, it is unwise and unhealthy to be exposed to her unusual habits for a 24-hour stretch or more.

When we arrived at her house, she had a disposable cup designated for Hart's use during our stay. Strange, but par for the course. There is a logic to this, I suppose, though known only to her. However, the trouble started when we returned from a two-day pilgrimage to LEGOLAND. After three hours in harrowing California traffic, we sat down to dinner.

"Which is your cup?"

"What do you mean "my cup"? I haven't been here for two days."

"Well, which is the cup you used last?"

"I have no idea. Here's a dishwasher full of stuff. Is this clean?"

"Uhm, yes."

"What I mean is, has the dishwasher been run since we left?"

"No, of course not." (Of course not. What was I thinking?)

"I don't remember which cup I used. May I have a clean one from the cupboard?"

"No."

"No?"

"No. There are only three and they are all in the dishwasher."

By now my voice was getting increasingly shrill. "It's your house and your prerogative. But if the household rule is that I am only allowed one cup during my stay here, you must tell me right away. I can't possibly figure out such a bizarre system."

"I don't like your system."

More high-pitched screeching. "My system, my system! The system used by the entire dishwasher-owning world? The system whereby you load dirty dishes into the dishwasher until it is full, run it, then replace the items in the cabinets and drawers for future use. That system?"

I had a sudden flashback to a visit several years ago when we had had a similar discussion. I had asked for a bath towel for the shower and she had given me what in my household is called an oversized handkerchief. I complained that it was too small, to which my mother had exclaimed, "But it's square." There is no argument with logic like that.

Motel 6 with its plethora of sanitized and wrapped glasses looks really appealing. I understand they also have regulation-sized towels there.

Julian and Chloe (photos)

YOU LOOK JUST FINE! Mailbag

Dear YLJF,

I am 5'2" and weigh 105 lbs. Last year my husband received a large windbreaker. He does not like it because it has the name of a local hardware store across the back. May I wear it?

___________________________________ Big Jacket, Little Person

Dear BJLP,

Certainly. How resourceful of you. YLJF generally does not advise adults purchasing items that are several sizes too big, but since it's a freebie, it's fine. You do have to roll up the sleeves so that they don't drag on the sidewalk. Rubber bands are useful for that.

Cowboy Jeff (photo)

Arizona, November 2003
Check out the boots!

More according to Jeff . . .

L: Do you want to see the fish, while the chef makes the sushi?
J: No, fish make me silly.

He was expecting live clownfish?

The Early Years (photos)

Moscow 1996

Yes, Virginia

H: Who is Santa Claus?
L: At Daddy's party? I think it's one of the attorneys wearing a Santa costume.
H: No. . . . there are elves and a sleigh, too.

YOU LOOK JUST FINE! Mailbag

Dear YLJF,

I love the holiday season. I shop and cook and decorate my house. I have ten different Christmas sweaters that I wear daily throughout the month. My granddaughter announced that she hates them! What do you say?

___________________________________ Christmas Spirit

Dear Spirit,

Part of the charm of the season is diverse expression of holiday merriment, which includes the "Christmas Sweater." Also, it takes a bit of "je ne sais quoi" to pull it off, so if you've got it, flaunt it! However, you may not force, coerce or manipulate unwilling co-workers, family members or pets into themed sweaters, Santa hats, reindeer antlers or candy cane-themed jewelry. AND, on December 26, put it all away for another year.

Would you like a fossil with that burger?

Jeff is describing an imaginary restaurant/car dealership that he owns.
J: Look out back. Something skeletonish.
L: What is it?
J: A triceratops! And a nest of eggs.