Favorite London quotes, Dec 27, 2015 to Jan 2, 2016

Train conductor: You Americans are so friendly. Why are you always shooting each other?

Child looking a painting of nymphs in Kensington Palace: Mummy, is that the queen naked?

Passerby: My car broke down and I need seven pounds for petrol. Can you help?*

*I thought that scam was native to our fair land. Apparently, it is universal.

Trivia team

Online, lovelorn?

"In the mid-1980s, a now infamous Newsweek article declared that a single, college-educated 40-year-old woman was more likely to die in a terrorist attack than ever walk down the aisle. The claim, repeated in movies and sitcoms, convinced generations of women that if they weren’t married by 40, it probably wasn’t going to happen."

Yes, I remember the article from 1985. It has since been debunked but there is a new study that claims that single men over 45 are unlikely to marry . . . ever.

There has been immediate reaction, of course, from smug women and lovelorn men. One woman commented that if a man isn't unemployed or morbidly obese, he should consult a therapist immediately to find out what is wrong. That seems harsh but it holds a grain of truth.

A whole industry of experts is willing to advise on online profiles and photos, and there is lots of free dating advice online. As a veteran online dater, allow me to save you men money and time* with two simple, fail-safe bits of advice regarding online dating.

YOU MUST BE WILLING TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. To people who are married or in a relationship, this must sound ridiculous but it isn't. I can only say that if you, a single man, contact a potential match, no matter how attractive, how charming, kind or smart you are, at some point you both have to be in the same room. 

I have gotten better at sniffing out married men who are having a bit of fun late at night trawling around dating websites, but you, single eligible guy, what is your excuse? Pen-palling, catfishing and online flirting are not routes to a real relationship. Newsflash: neither are long daily phone conversations or endless texting.

SAY SOMETHING. Hello! is not an opening line. It is a non-starter. Not wishing to be rude, I can always say hello back, but that isn't a conversation. So generally I will tolerate a few days of daily hellos, with an occasional "good morning" before I get bored and stop answering. True, Tinder doesn't offer a profile to comment on, but you can offer a whole sentence about yourself and see if that illicits a response. Go ahead, try it.

* You are going to keep posting bathroom selfies and photos of yourself behind the wheel of your car, no matter what anyone advises, right?